A Good Dog

Tonight I am in mourning. We lost our Penny. Up until yesterday she was fine, Shaun took her for a walk and she just collapsed. This morning she was up and about again, a little stiff but walking. Tonight she seemed restless but ok but in the space of 10 mins she had passed.

The first feeling is guilt. That horrible feeling of why didn't I?? Take you to the vet, let you sleep in the lounge, watch you closer......The second feeling is disbelief. She looked fine and if it wasn't for the absence of breath she was. Maybe if I poked her hard enough, opened her mouth and let air in. tickled her tummy just so.

And again with the guilt, why didn't we play with her more?? Instead of teasing her about her 'fried brain' why didn't I cuddle her and say 'silly dog' like I did just then.

I didn't want to let her go, I squeezed her hard for ever but it still wasn't long enough. And in the morning I get to bury her and I don't think I can. A hole in the backyard doesn't seem good enough. Especially here where I still don't feel like home. But burying her means no more good byes.

She was a great dog. And I know I hated the poop all over the backyard and the drool on my leg. But she loved us, protected us and made us feel wanted even if we didn't return the favour. She was dumb, man was she dumb. And even if the goozy was gross she wasn't ugly. She was my big, fat teddy bear. And I miss her sooo much.

Rest Peacefully Penelope bear, my big fat cow. We love you........